thats fucked up

Sunday, May 25th, 2014 12:14
jiratron: (Default)
There was once a boat that existed on the human plan of existence but get this friends, it was actually a Demon Boat.

The year was 1673 and a merchant vessel of the Dutch East India Company was clumsily rounding the Cape of Good Hope using its hopelessly outdated 1673 seafaring navigational instruments. This proud and unwieldy cog accidentally set a course straight into the heart of the sun. They sailed all the fuck over the ocean for many months because you can't actually sail into the sun with a boat because it is in outer space. The deck of the ship rattled constantly with the spittle and scurvy-loosened teeth of sailors swearing volubly in some pretty bad Dutch cuss words.

Eventually the ship's captain one Jan Doouublevowel clapped eyes upon safe harbor on a mysterious tropical island. A dispatched party of crew landed on the island with the ships longboats. The landing party was quickly cut apart by machine gun fire from fortified machine gun nests. The survivors of the initial attack fled into the rain forest where they were eventuality hunted down by velociraptors.

And when this happened the Demon Boat started doing a slow golf clap until all of the sailors and crew were eaten or shot, whereupon it flipped on its shades and sailed off into the sunset.

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May 2014

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